Psychological abuse endangers women with “hidden injuries.”

In my last post, I highlighted a controlling partner’s beliefs of superiority and power that drive his behavior and expectations of his intimate partner. Since psychological abuse or coercive tactics are often not easily recognizable or understood as hurtful, women can miss how deeply affected they become. If they do see these effects — changes in their mood or functioning — they often may not look to their partner’s behavior as the cause.

Lila, 34, shared:

I dread hearing my husband shout at me, “You’re like your mother!” I grew up with a mother who had mental health issues, and early on, I shared this painful history with my husband. Intellectually, I know I’m not like my mother, but emotionally I still feel vulnerable, and my husband knows it. When he attacks me in this way, I become immobilized with shame and can be depressed for days.

Psychological abuse that’s difficult to identify endangers women the most.

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This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.

The current political climate has brought a fever of concern over women’s rights and violations, with outraged reactions we haven’t seen since the 1970s. At the same time, books touting dystopian nightmares have reemerged, such as The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood—making it to the top of Amazon’s best sellers list in recent months.

In the latter story, the “handmaids” are women stripped of their freedom and identities for the sole purpose of procreation. As I’m rereading this story, I’m struck that women with controlling partners resemble the handmaids’ stories to some extent. I believe most of us don’t fully realize the deep personal losses endured by women in intimate relationships with partners whose intent is to have power and control over them. Although progress has been made, sexism has not gone away in the public arena but has only been quieted–until now. At home, the same light needs to be shined on this issue.

Read the rest of the article on Psychology Today.

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.

In an ideal world, therapists are there to help relationships in trouble and give abused clients the space to heal from their traumas. But it’s possible for a therapist who isn’t familiar with the signs of coercive control to prevent an abused party from getting the help they need.

For 23 years, I heard experiences from women in my Recovery Groups for Women with Controlling Partners, that therapy was unhelpful and actually hurtful. The common denominator is often a therapist who is uneducated about psychological and physical abuse in intimate relationships—a reality that’s supported by a 2013 study of mental health professionals. The recipient is often confused, in denial, and minimizing psychological abuse from an intimate partner. These issues underscore the need for therapists to be informed in order to help.

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This post originally appeared on Psychology Today.

I’ve been a facilitator of Recovery Groups for Women with Controlling Partners since 1993. In that time, I’ve observed over 1,000 women address their relationships, identify similar coercive tactics, and recover from the subsequent psychological effects. They take empowering steps to make a better life for themselves, for their children, and, with hope, their partner. During this recovery process, a familiar question arises: “Are we all talking about the same man?”

Coercive Control and Physical Violence

Coercive tactics are not unique but are shared by many controlling men. History is full of male violence toward women and male domination of women. The belief systems embedded in history get passed from generation to generation. Despite the many positive cultural and political develop­ments for women since 1970, we still live in a patriarchy. Men have more authority and empowerment than women. Today, we still see the effects of sexual harassment in the workplace; women receive less pay for the same work as men and there are greater expectations for women to handle chores in the home.

Read the rest of the post on Psychology Today.

This post originally appeared on Psychology Today.

When clients arrive to my recovery groups for women with controlling partners, it’s common for two to 30 plus years to have elapsed since their dating days.  What becomes clear in recovery is her partner’s coercive control and how it’s adversely affecting her mental and physical health.  It’s common for me to hear,  “How did I get here?”

We start by examining a person’s dating experience before identifying coercive behaviors during the commitment period of their relationship. I’ve reviewed the courtships of a thousand women. And it’s fairly universal that the women don’t detect their partner’s coercive tendencies. This begs the question of how do women (and men) protect themselves from a controlling partner.

The Dating Period

Women with controlling partners fre­quently become entrapped during the dating period. And often, they aren’t even aware of this. While an unsuspecting partner may be seeking a meaningful connection, a controlling partner is looking for someone he can gain power over. Her heart is open, but her eyes may not see a controlling partner’s true motives. Sometimes, this is because she doesn’t know what to look for.

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