Repeated bad-to-nice behavior by a partner can create false hope.
Key points:
- False hope gradually develops in abusive relationships, often unbeknownst to the significant other.
- After an abusive episode, the return of positive attention is a persuasive manipulative pattern.
- Unpacking the false hope is recognizing mistaken beliefs created by coercion and denial of the abuse.
- Recent research indicates that when unrealistic expectations of an abuser changing are addressed, PTSD lowers.
False hope is the biggest obstacle to overcome for a survivor of domestic abuse. Rooted in a distorted reality, false hope is created by the perpetrator to influence the survivor. Ultimately, false hope can prolong an abusive relationship for years and even decades. When the survivor can unpack their abusive experience and see their mistaken beliefs, recovery is underway.
The Controlling Relationship
The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an “unknown” perpetrator. This favorable, even exciting, stretch, can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.
As the relationship goes on, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc. When the perpetrator recognizes that they have gone too far, they change their behavior. Now, in this more relatable stance, the person or a version of the person they fell in love with often shows up. One might hear apologies, be asked to be forgiving, to accept the promise that “it won’t happen again,” and so on. This shift to appearing more caring, thoughtful, and attentive instills hope for a better future going forward.
When one woman shared in my recovery group that her physically abusive husband “can be the sweetest person,” I responded: “Here lies your biggest obstacle to overcome.”
The intermittent hope for change that’s experienced when a perpetrator’s behavior goes from hurtful to nice instills a powerful hope, albeit a false one, that the relationship going forward will work out. This pattern, also known as the cycle of abuse, recurs again and again. The overall impact is that it can allow a controlling partner to keep you initially engaged and then eventually hold you captive, in some cases for a very long time, unless seriously addressed.
It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time (RESPOND Inc., 2024).
Addressing False Hope
False hope for the relationship always accompanies denial of the abuse that has taken place. When the abuse was acute, one can clearly feel how wrong, unfair, and outrageous the behavior was. But in the favorable shift, you can become ambivalent, rethink the episode, and might even be encouraged to own some part of your behavior that contributed to the abusive reaction.
To unpack false hope, it’s critical to recognize and understand that your partner’s favorable behavior following their intense abuse is a manipulation to pull you back and reconcile. It’s critical to see this shift that instills hope as a manipulation.
It’s well documented that being the recipient of abuse, especially coercion and psychological abuse, even without physical violence, causes PTSD. A recent randomized control trial provides evidence that specifically addressing false hope patterns in domestic violence survivors shows significant PTSD reduction when treatment targets unrealistic expectations about the abuser changing (Johnson, et al, 2021).
Trauma recovery that addresses false hope and unrealistic beliefs is necessary to get clear, grounded, and take back one’s agency. Keep in mind:
- Know that abuse is terrifying and wrong; don’t minimize and deny the abuse later. Holding on to this truth is self-protective. Document the abuse in a journal.
- Fight against the enticement of hope for change, no matter how good the promise feels. Stay grounded in reality: This is the same person who controls and abuses you. None of the promises they have made before have come true. Read your journal to keep grounded in reality.
- Sort out a partner’s blaming accusations from their actual behavior and determine what is true. When you do, a partner’s coercive tactics will have less effect.
This article first appeared on Psychology Today.
References:
Johnson, D.M., Zlotnick, C., Perez, S. (2021). A randomized controlled trial comparing HOPE treatment and present-centered therapy in women residing in shelter with PTSD from intimate partner violence. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(7), 542-556. URL: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8294703/
