Carol A. Lambert, MSW, LICSW

controlling partner

Intimate Partner Abuse on the Rise

Source: janeb13/Pixabay

The increase in misogynistic beliefs impacts intimate relationships.

Key points

  • The current rise in misogynistic beliefs may be leading to a rise in domestic violence.
  • The rhetoric on online communities normalizes violence toward women and girls.
  • Global data show that both men and women fare better when they believe in and practice gender equality.

In a recent blog post, I wrote that a PBS report identified a remarkable surge in misogyny. The report showed a 4600% increase in terms like “Your body, my choice” and “Get back in the kitchen.” Such rhetoric can place women at greater risk for harm, and we now have some specific evidence that this is occurring in the realm of domestic violence.

[Read more…] about Intimate Partner Abuse on the Rise

The Harm of Degradation by an Intimate Partner

Verbal attacks that degrade and humiliate an intimate partner can run deep.

Key points

Source: Pexels Phael 2401442
  • A coercive tactic to gain dominance in an relationship is to degrade and humiliate one’s partner.
  • The impact of being degraded by an intimate partner is severely hurtful, at times causing a loss of self.
  • Addressing the internalized negative beliefs is critical to recovery and regaining self-esteem and oneself.

Intimate partner abuse always involves coercive tactics that are either emotionally or psychologically abusive, and often both. Psychological abuse is usually about intimidation, isolation, and threats. Emotional abuse involves verbal attacks to diminish or destroy a partner’s self-esteem and sense of self. The impact of the coercive tactics that degrade and humiliate the other partner might be less obvious, yet seriously harmful.
[Read more…] about The Harm of Degradation by an Intimate Partner

The Importance of Confronting Misogyny in Therapy

Addressing misogynist beliefs in therapy helps both men and women.

Key points

  • As social expectations for women changed, men became more isolated without a clear path forward.
  • Misogyny, a hatred of women, places women at risk for hostile sexism, assault, and intimate partner abuse.
  • Therapists should not be neutral when misogynist beliefs show up with clients.
Source: AS Photography/Pixabay

In the last year, we have witnessed an increase in misogynistic attacks in the media and social media. Misogyny, defined as the hatred of women, embodies a strong degradation of women that shows up in hostile sexism and intimate partner abuse. As therapists, it seems essential, perhaps more than ever, that we need to pay attention to the current impact of misogyny on our female and male clients. At the same time, we need also to pay attention to how as therapists we might hold misogynist beliefs that can interfere with intervening. [Read more…] about The Importance of Confronting Misogyny in Therapy

False Hope: A Trap in Controlling Relationships

Repeated bad-to-nice behavior by a partner can create false hope.

Key points:

  • False hope gradually develops in abusive relationships, often unbeknownst to the significant other.
  • After an abusive episode, the return of positive attention is a persuasive manipulative pattern.
  • Unpacking the false hope is recognizing mistaken beliefs created by coercion and denial of the abuse.
  • Recent research indicates that when unrealistic expectations of an abuser changing are addressed, PTSD lowers.
Source: Image by Hello Cdd20 from Pixabay

False hope is the biggest obstacle to overcome for a survivor of domestic abuse. Rooted in a distorted reality, false hope is created by the perpetrator to influence the survivor. Ultimately, false hope can prolong an abusive relationship for years and even decades. When the survivor can unpack their abusive experience and see their mistaken beliefs, recovery is underway.

The Controlling Relationship

The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an “unknown” perpetrator. This favorable, even exciting, stretch, can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.

As the relationship goes on, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc. When the perpetrator recognizes that they have gone too far, they change their behavior. Now, in this more relatable stance, the person or a version of the person they fell in love with often shows up. One might hear apologies, be asked to be forgiving, to accept the promise that “it won’t happen again,” and so on. This shift to appearing more caring, thoughtful, and attentive instills hope for a better future going forward.

When one woman shared in my recovery group that her physically abusive husband “can be the sweetest person,” I responded: “Here lies your biggest obstacle to overcome.”

The intermittent hope for change that’s experienced when a perpetrator’s behavior goes from hurtful to nice instills a powerful hope, albeit a false one, that the relationship going forward will work out. This pattern, also known as the cycle of abuse, recurs again and again. The overall impact is that it can allow a controlling partner to keep you initially engaged and then eventually hold you captive, in some cases for a very long time, unless seriously addressed.

It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time (RESPOND Inc., 2024).

[Read more…] about False Hope: A Trap in Controlling Relationships

Co-Parenting After Divorce When Your Ex Was Abusive

Co-parenting is not possible with an abusive partner who doesn’t seek treatment.

Co Parenting with an Abusive Ex
Source: Brocotton/Pexels

In the realm of intimate partner abuse, getting away from one’s abuser usually doesn’t mean being free of abuse when it involves co-parenting children. All too often, the dominant partner in the relationship feels highly threatened by the other partner separating to divorce. In the aftermath, the abusive partner is often angry, even hostile, and abuse can show up in the context of co-parenting. Although less than ideal, parallel parenting with an abusive ex-partner becomes the better solution.

Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

In divorce, studies have shown that children benefit from spending at least 35% of their time with each parent despite the difficulty parents have with one another.

The impact of divorce on children’s well-being during and after their parents’ separation or divorce is potentially within parents’ control—the parents’ own well-being and capability to function will have the biggest effect. (Pedro-Carroll, PhD, 2020)

Co-parenting works well when parents who separate and then divorce can actively share parenting, have good communication with one another and work together toward what is in the best interest of their children.

When the abusive partner continues their hostility toward the other parent, the ongoing turmoil erodes quality parenting and contributes to children’s emotional and behavioral problems. (Pedro-Carroll, 2020). In these circumstances, co-parenting is not possible.

Conditions for Parallel Parenting

When one parent has been abusive and controlling during a marriage, it’s very likely that the same harmful behaviors will continue. The following are examples of behaviors that don’t make co-parenting possible and a parallel parenting plan is needed (Post Separation Power and Control Wheel, DV Intervention Programs, 2013):

Read more on Psychology Today.

Curious People Are Likely to Have Better Relationships

Studies show that curious people are less aggressive.

Person being curious
Source: ethan sees/Pexels

Although research on the social consequences of curiosity is slim, the existing studies do help us to understand an important finding—that curious people are less aggressive. What could help us to prevent ending up in a coercive relationship just might be the capacity for curiosity in the other person and also in ourselves. Whether looking for an intimate partner or trying to improve an existing relationship, curiosity just might hold the key to success.

Curiosity in Interpersonal Relationships

Curiosity shows an inclination to seek out new information because of an intrinsic interest in learning new knowledge. In the interpersonal realm, curiosity is listening because of an interest in learning about the other person. To fully listen is not thinking about what we want to say next but showing interest in the other person reflected by the questions we ask. Open-ended questions in particular invite more information about beliefs, perceptions, and feelings that can forge greater intimacy. In this give-and-take context, a more balanced relationship develops in which we can feel seen for who we are, feel freer to share more, and have an experience of mutual respect and better tools to resolve conflict.

In four cross-sectional studies, Kashdan and colleagues tested the hypothesis that “individual differences in curiosity are linked to less aggression, even when people are provoked.” In their results, they showed the following:

  • Daily curiosity predicted less aggression with no evidence for the reverse direction.
  • Lower curiosity and higher aggression were strongest in intimate relationships and in beginning romantic relationships.
  • Highly curious people showed greater sensitivity in the relational context.

They concluded, “Curiosity is a neglected mechanism of resilience in understanding aggression” (Kashdan et al. 2013).

Read more on Psychology Today.

As Seen On:

Congtributor to New Harbinger Publications
Contributor to The Huffington Post
Contributor to Psychology Today