domestic violence

Intimate partner abuse invokes denial for both, although for different reasons.

KEY POINTS

• Intimate partner abuse, mostly psychological in nature, serves the perpetrator in overpowering their partner.
• The perpetrator externalizes responsibility for the abuse. The survivor develops self-blame for the conflicts.
• To stop the abuse, it’s up to the survivor to recover and hold their partner accountable for their abuse.

When intimate partner abuse is occurring within a couple, it’s not unusual for both the abusing partner and the targeted partner to exercise denial of the abuse that’s happening, and for different reasons. The defenses of denial and minimization distort the reality of what is actually taking place. This alone underscores the profound complexity of the nature of psychological abuse and contributes to prolonging relationships. For reality to be recognized, it takes one partner­—almost always the survivor—who needs to stop the “song and dance” if anything at all is going to change for them and, only then, possibly learn what’s possible in the relationship.

Intimate Partner Abuse

Intimate partner abuse is when one partner exercises power and control over the other. Psychological abuse is powerful, hard to see, and more prevalent than realized. Women account for victims of abuse more than men, yet men who are victimized by an intimate partner can experience the same troubling effects including denial and minimization of the abuse.

For decades, I’ve conducted recovery groups for women of controlling partners and can say that every single woman needed to recognize at the outset of their recovery that they are in a state of denial about their abusive experience. This state of mind, I enlighten them, is inherent to the nature of the coercive abuse and deeply harmful­­—it’s the not knowing that puts them at risk and keeps them there.

Perpetrator’s Denial

The coercive partner who seeks to be in charge in an intimate relationship utilizes many tactics to obtain and maintain this power. Central to this stance is the defense of externalization that shows up as excessive blaming and holding their partner responsible. Attempts by their partner to speak up about their perspective or push back results in them often being accused of being the abusive one or the “gaslighter.” Thus, the abuser sustains a deep denial of their hurtful abusive behavior sidestepping taking any responsibility at all costs.

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By processing the trauma, survivors can regain agency and strength.

KEY POINTS

• Survivors of intimate partner abuse experience a decline in confidence and self-worth.
• Recovery is about recognizing the abuse endured, the depth of one’s suffering, and finding self-compassion.
• Mourning the self and the many losses brings a return of well-being and agency.

As a significant other in an intimate relationship with an abusive partner, it’s inevitable that you will eventually experience a decline in the sense of well-being. Feelings of self-worth can slide as trepidation is felt around the partner who was expected to be kind and loving and now intimidates and degrades.

The profound changes that occur embody trauma and many losses. In recovery, a survivor of intimate partner abuse develops self-compassion as they recognize their suffering—self-compassion and mourning the losses that help them move through healing to love and care for themselves.

Survivors of Intimate Partner Abuse

Intimate partner abuse is devastating to those who experience it. You can come to feel entrapped in the relationship rather than participating as an equal partner. You may start out expecting the latter but insidiously over time coercive tactics show up in your partner’s behavior that are often undetected at first.

Still, you can become deeply and traumatically affected. Eventually, as a recipient of coercive abuse, you will no longer feel like yourself. You can become anxious, depressed, feel incompetent, lose the capacity to trust your own perception and blame yourself for problems in the relationship.

In my recovery groups for women with controlling partners, we start by examining coercive tactics that are or have been at play in their relationships and identifying their hidden injuries. For example, degradation and humiliation is a common and powerful abuse tactic that attacks your character, strengths, and sense of self.

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The first step is identifying coercive tactics in their partner’s behavior.

KEY POINTS

• Identifying intimate partner abuse often begins with identifying coercive tactics.
• Coercive tactics cause specific psychological effects like anxiety and a loss of trust in one’s judgment.
• Getting emotionally stronger via trauma recovery allows for emerging clarity and change.

In an intimate abusive relationship, many clients who seek treatment are looking for help and yet are unaware of what they actually need help with. Survivors of abuse can present with confusion, anxiety, low self-esteem, loss of trust in their perceptions, and powerless to make a difference in their life. Unclear of how they came to feel entrapped, survivors often do not see that their situation is caused by their partner’s coercive behaviors. Mental health professionals can facilitate change by helping a survivor to unpack the elements of their abusive experience with their intimate partner via psycho-education and trauma recovery.

First: Identify the coercive tactics of psychological abuse

When physical abuse is involved, it’s a clear indicator abuse is taking place. It’s the psychological abuse, with or without physical violence, that is hard to recognize and has the powerful effect on the victim causing confusion and trauma.

Psychological abuse is made up of coercive tactics often embedded in repetitive behaviors. It can be a disapproving look, a put-down, being ignored, being called vulgar names, not listening or responding, twisting the meaning of your words, blaming, intentionally making you feel guilty, threats of all kinds from abandonment to suicide to taking the children away, etc. As a first step, you should identify if coercive tactics are occurring.

In my practice, when I begin hearing signs of possible coercion in a person’s intimate relationship, I inquire further and ask if they would be willing to complete my Controlling Behavior Checklist. In so doing, we are both able to recognize evidence of abuse that’s often hard to see at the outset unless it’s listed and checked off like a grocery list. This often becomes a pivotal moment from not knowing or perhaps suspecting, to seriously taking stock of your experience with abuse in your intimate relationship. Once you see all the checks indicating the behaviors as abusive, you cannot un-see them. Using a checklist of coercive behaviors saves time and helps you begin to make meaning.

Second: Understand the nature of coercive tactics and “hidden injuries”

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Not all states have the resources to respond to more victims.

KEY POINTS

• A rise in domestic violence (DV) occurred before and after the pandemic.
• A 2023 study in World Population Review identifies U.S. states with the highest rates of DV.
• States need to educate their residents about DV and provide life-saving resources to those in need.

In the United States, domestic violence (DV) or intimate partner abuse has increased before and after the pandemic with some states showing greater percentages. Although statistics show that we can all be at risk for DV, the states that have higher DV incidence have a responsibility to their residents. They must decrease the rate of DV by educating the public and providing more resources.

Domestic violence happens at any age and in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. It’s driven by the behavior of one intimate partner to achieve control over their significant other. The abusive coercion used to overpower the other can take many forms including verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. We now know that types of nonphysical abuse are harder to detect and are far more successful in entrapment.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• Intimate partner violence in the United States currently comprises more than 20 percent of all violent crime.
• 10 million people experience DV each year.
• 20 people per minute are physically abused.
• Regarding homicides, women are at greater risk with an intimate partner; men are at greater risk with a stranger.
• One in four women and one in nine men experience severe physical violence, sexual violence, and/or partner stalking.

What U.S. states have the highest domestic violence?

 

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Being with a violent partner can get a victim with kids a charge of neglect.

KEY POINTS

• Victims of a violent intimate partner with children are at risk for child neglect and risk losing custody.
• It’s well documented that leaving a violent partner can escalate the violence and possibly to lead to murder.
• Entrapment created by the violent partner takes away the victim’s control and ability to exercise choice.

Intimate partner violence creates a dangerous entrapment in the home for the victim who can also be held responsible for the children living in such an environment. The agencies that are set up to protect victims with children may intervene and determine that the victims themselves are neglectful in parenting their children just by being with a violent partner. A determination of neglect raises the risk of losing custody. Intimate partner violence is tragic, and, in the end, it makes no sense to hold the victim responsible for the violence they endure.

Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is common, impacting millions of people each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,

• One in three women and one in four men report severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
• One in five women and one in 13 men experience sexual violenceby an intimate partner in their lifetime.
• Seventy-five percent of female IPV survivors and 48 percent of male IPV survivors experience some form of injury related to IPV.
• Posttraumatic stressdisorder (PTSD) symptoms, concern for safety, fear, needing help from law enforcement, and missing at least one day of work are common impacts reported.

Looking at homicide rates, the data from U.S. crime reports show the following:

• One in five homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
• More than half of female homicide victims in the United States are killed by a current or former male intimate partner.

These statistics illustrate the prevalence and seriousness of IPV. Let’s be sure to recognize the impact of IPV on the targeted person, their loss of agency, and, for some, the belief to stay in order to protect their children.

 

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Important studies document declining physical health conditions.

KEY POINTS

• Intimate partner abuse (IPA) is traumatic to the targeted person and seriously impacts his mental health.
• There are important findings related to adverse physical conditions developing as a result of IPA.
• In recovery, addressing both physical and mental health problems is critical to a survivor of IPA.

Intimate partner abuse, mostly cited for impacting mental health, causes significant physical health conditions, which when identified, can provide a valuable advantage to assisting victims in obtaining a return to health with the right approach to healing.

Unfortunately, coercive control in an intimate relationship is too often not seen by the recipient or those with whom they might come in contact, who could be in a position to help, such as a friend, family member, psychotherapist, or primary care professional.

Educating ourselves about the physical health conditions of intimate partner abuse can provide additional insight into an important aspect of what needs attending to for full recovery.

Intimate Partner Abuse (IPA)

In the general public, it took quite a while for the detrimental effects of IPA and coercive control in an intimate relationship to begin to be seen, but still not recognized, as more pervasive than physical abuse and more injurious to one’s mental health.

IPA is identified as a pattern of behavior in an intimate relationship to achieve power and control over the partner. The abuse can be verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or psychological—or threats thereof.

The behaviors are intended to intimidate, scare, manipulate, terrorize, humiliate, blame, and cause a traumatic impact. Anyone can be at risk for IPA regardless of gender, race, age, sexual orientation, religion, education, and socioeconomic status. In other words, anyone can be targeted by an abusive partner.

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