Carol A. Lambert, MSW, LICSW

The Harm of Degradation by an Intimate Partner

Verbal attacks that degrade and humiliate an intimate partner can run deep.

Key points

Source: Pexels Phael 2401442
  • A coercive tactic to gain dominance in an relationship is to degrade and humiliate one’s partner.
  • The impact of being degraded by an intimate partner is severely hurtful, at times causing a loss of self.
  • Addressing the internalized negative beliefs is critical to recovery and regaining self-esteem and oneself.

Intimate partner abuse always involves coercive tactics that are either emotionally or psychologically abusive, and often both. Psychological abuse is usually about intimidation, isolation, and threats. Emotional abuse involves verbal attacks to diminish or destroy a partner’s self-esteem and sense of self. The impact of the coercive tactics that degrade and humiliate the other partner might be less obvious, yet seriously harmful.
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The Importance of Confronting Misogyny in Therapy

Addressing misogynist beliefs in therapy helps both men and women.

Key points

  • As social expectations for women changed, men became more isolated without a clear path forward.
  • Misogyny, a hatred of women, places women at risk for hostile sexism, assault, and intimate partner abuse.
  • Therapists should not be neutral when misogynist beliefs show up with clients.
Source: AS Photography/Pixabay

In the last year, we have witnessed an increase in misogynistic attacks in the media and social media. Misogyny, defined as the hatred of women, embodies a strong degradation of women that shows up in hostile sexism and intimate partner abuse. As therapists, it seems essential, perhaps more than ever, that we need to pay attention to the current impact of misogyny on our female and male clients. At the same time, we need also to pay attention to how as therapists we might hold misogynist beliefs that can interfere with intervening. [Read more…] about The Importance of Confronting Misogyny in Therapy

Coercive Control Is Domestic Violence

A felt sense of being coerced is an important indicator.

Key points

  • A number of state statutes have recently recognized the reality that coercive control is domestic violence.
  • The experience of being coerced by an intimate partner is often unclear to the survivor.
  • Recognizing coercive tactics undermines the abuser’s power and helps the survivor heal.

LawThis past October, domestic violence month, was also a time to recognize changes to the legal definition of domestic violence. This year’s statutory progress included coercive control in intimate relationships as domestic violence. For decades, non-physical abuse in the form of psychological abuse was not recognized, to the detriment of thousands of female and male survivors. Now, in many US states, coercive control laws exist. These laws are a great start in recognizing, validating, and offering protection for coercive control in intimate relationships. However, the individual in a coercive controlling relationship is unlikely to easily see how such a law can help them. However, given the nature of coercive control, there are some useful indicators that can raise awareness of coercion taking place with an intimate partner.

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False Hope: A Trap in Controlling Relationships

Repeated bad-to-nice behavior by a partner can create false hope.

Key points:

  • False hope gradually develops in abusive relationships, often unbeknownst to the significant other.
  • After an abusive episode, the return of positive attention is a persuasive manipulative pattern.
  • Unpacking the false hope is recognizing mistaken beliefs created by coercion and denial of the abuse.
  • Recent research indicates that when unrealistic expectations of an abuser changing are addressed, PTSD lowers.
Source: Image by Hello Cdd20 from Pixabay

False hope is the biggest obstacle to overcome for a survivor of domestic abuse. Rooted in a distorted reality, false hope is created by the perpetrator to influence the survivor. Ultimately, false hope can prolong an abusive relationship for years and even decades. When the survivor can unpack their abusive experience and see their mistaken beliefs, recovery is underway.

The Controlling Relationship

The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an “unknown” perpetrator. This favorable, even exciting, stretch, can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.

As the relationship goes on, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc. When the perpetrator recognizes that they have gone too far, they change their behavior. Now, in this more relatable stance, the person or a version of the person they fell in love with often shows up. One might hear apologies, be asked to be forgiving, to accept the promise that “it won’t happen again,” and so on. This shift to appearing more caring, thoughtful, and attentive instills hope for a better future going forward.

When one woman shared in my recovery group that her physically abusive husband “can be the sweetest person,” I responded: “Here lies your biggest obstacle to overcome.”

The intermittent hope for change that’s experienced when a perpetrator’s behavior goes from hurtful to nice instills a powerful hope, albeit a false one, that the relationship going forward will work out. This pattern, also known as the cycle of abuse, recurs again and again. The overall impact is that it can allow a controlling partner to keep you initially engaged and then eventually hold you captive, in some cases for a very long time, unless seriously addressed.

It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time (RESPOND Inc., 2024).

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Not Feeling Is Not Good

Defenses and inhibitory emotions prevent us from dropping into our core emotions

Key points:

  • Using the change triangle helps us recognize defenses and inhibitory emotions.
  • Defenses and inhibitory emotions such as anxiety, guilt, and shame keep us from feeling core feelings
  • When we can experience core feelings, we can be more present and live in an authentic state.
Source: mage by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

 

Recognizing feelings and knowing what gets in the way of feeling are central to most models of psychotherapy. When we can become aware of our defenses against feeling, we see that we are protecting ourselves from what might be unbearable or uncomfortable emotions, which often arise from earlier harmful experiences. Accessing the feelings in a gradual and supportive way brings awareness and an increasing tolerance of emotions that allows for living more fully.

The Change Triangle

The change triangle is a wonderful tool that Hilary Jacobs Hendel offers in her book It’s Not Always Depression; it gives us a “map of the mind, a logical and science-based path to follow for relief and recovery.” (Hendel, 2018, p 15).

This visual tool includes defenses, inhibitory emotions, and core emotions. When we can drop down and be with core emotions, then we are living in “an open-hearted state of an authentic self.” Hendel explains that when we are in our authentic self, we can be “calm, connected, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.”

The triangle has “defenses–anything we do to avoid feeling” in the top left-hand corner. Directly across the top of the triangle in the right-hand corner is “inhibitory emotions–anxiety, shame, and guilt.” Both defenses and inhibitory emotions get in the way of dropping down to our core emotions—represented at the base of the triangle–fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.

Defenses–anything we do to avoid feeling

Defenses are clever ways our mind keeps us from feeling pain or being overwhelmed. While it’s important to appreciate our defenses, they get in the way of being fully present. Some examples of defenses: arrogance, addictions, overeating, excessively working, not talking, not listening, criticizing, coercing. A great deal of energy becomes invested in avoiding discomfort.

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Gaslighting: Relationships and Culture

When you are told you’re wrong, stop and think; you just might be right.

Key points:

  • A recent study of gaslighting highlights intimate partner abuse and social structures.
  • Gaslighting often remains invisible to the targeted person.
  • We can protect ourselves by knowing the coercive tactics, trusting our gut reactions, and learning more.
Honesty
Source: Muhammad Haseeb Muhammad Suleman / Pixabay

Gaslighting is a powerful type of psychological coercion used to alter the perception and beliefs held by another for one’s own advantage. In recent years, the word gaslighting has entered public discussion, scholarly research, and legal realms.

In 2022, Merriam-Webster selected “gaslighting” as the Word of the Year. In the realm of intimate partner abuse, gaslighting continues to be recognized as a harmful coercive tactic. Many U.S. states have either enacted or are considering coercive control legislation. Current research explores gaslighting in larger group systems including culture, religion, politics, etc.

Gaslighting Defined

In intimate partner abuse, a partner who uses gaslighting is denying and distorting a shared reality for personal benefit. The purpose is to dominate the relationship with their needs, feelings, and perceptions and to eliminate resistance. They convince their partner over time that the partner’s beliefs, thoughts, and memories are wrong—that they don’t make sense. Blaming and making untrue accusations such as calling their intimate partner “crazy,” or “abusive” are profoundly hurtful.

Gaslighting can be in the service of obtaining control or it can be for the purpose of harming the other to increase their vulnerability, making them susceptible to their partner’s control.

The power of gaslighting is that it instills confusion and creates self-doubt. Most survivors say that they no longer trust their perception or judgment. The confidence they once felt is gone, replaced by self-blame and shame. Over time, survivors can internalize false accusations into personal negative beliefs contributing to anxiety, depression, and trauma.

Gaslighting Is Brainwashing

Gaslighting is a type of brainwashing. The word “brainwashing” was recognized in the aftermath of the Korean War in popular culture. During the Korean War (1950-53), Albert Biderman, a social psychologist who studied coercive interrogation, illustrated how U.S. prisoners of war became compliant by Chinese and Korean methods of torture used to psychologically break prisoners. Biderman’s chart of coercion identifies coercive tactics causing psychological injury including “monopolization of perception”—hence, gaslighting. For decades, Biderman’s chart of coercion has been a central guide in domestic violence groups. [Read more…] about Gaslighting: Relationships and Culture

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