The Harm of Degradation by an Intimate Partner

Verbal attacks that degrade and humiliate an intimate partner can run deep.

Key points

• A coercive tactic to gain dominance in an relationship is to degrade and humiliate one’s partner.
• The impact of being degraded by an intimate partner is severely hurtful, at times causing a loss of self.
• Addressing the internalized negative beliefs is critical to recovery and regaining self-esteem and oneself.

Intimate partner abuse always involves coercive tactics that are either emotionally or psychologically abusive, and often both. Psychological abuse is usually about intimidation, isolation, and threats. Emotional abuse involves verbal attacks to diminish or destroy a partner’s self-esteem and sense of self. The impact of the coercive tactics that degrade and humiliate the other partner might be less obvious, yet seriously harmful.

Degradation and Humiliation

In my recovery groups for women with controlling partners, we go through Biderman’s Chart of Coercion that lists eight coercive tactics. The recovery process is to unpack the entrapping experience by first identifying the coercive tactics embedded in their partner’s behavior and recognizing the psychological injuries. When we address degradation and humiliation, we see deep wounding to their sense of self. It’s not unusual for these words to be spoken: “I lost myself. I lost my identity.”

Painful words used to devalue, criticize, shame, and humiliate are not random but have specific targets and purposes. The targets are often about one’s character or body, as well as vulnerabilities. Also, strengths and competence become areas of attack when these qualities are experienced as threatening to the abuser’s control in the relationship.

Targets of Devaluation and Humiliation

Destroying one’s self-esteem and professional competence:

One group member reported, “I remember learning in high school that I am gifted intellectually. This has always been important to my self-esteem. Lately, I have felt so stupid and incompetent that I gave up my law practice.” This woman came to recognize being emotionally worn down countless times to the point of losing an important part of herself. She saw that daily, usually during dinner, her husband excessively questioned, interrogated, and devalued her thoughts and ideas. Over time, she came to feel self-doubt, shame, and no longer trusted her judgment. In the end, feeling she couldn’t do her job well as a lawyer, she gave up the one thing she truly enjoyed.

Putting down one’s strengths and good intentions­:

Another woman in my group shared that she loved to give dinner parties, and from feedback, she knew she was good at providing this social time with friends. During the days of preparation, her husband would harass, criticize, and act aggressively. When she lost her enjoyment, she gave up entertaining altogether. By the time she came to the group, 20 years had passed since her last dinner party.

Targeting one’s vulnerabilities, such as guilt and fear, to inflict shame:

One woman dreaded hearing her husband shout, “You’re like your mother!” She grew up with a mother who had mental health issues. Early on, she had told her husband about her painful history. Intellectually, she knows she’s not like her mother; emotionally, she feels vulnerable. When her husband attacks her in this way, she becomes immobilized with shame.

Hidden injuries of devaluation and humiliation

Devaluation is often delivered through false accusations that are internalized into negative beliefs about oneself. These beliefs can replace feelings of goodwill with shame and disgust. In this place of shame, self-blame tends to bubble up in the coercive dynamic with an intimate partner. These negative beliefs can be about defectiveness: “I’m not good enough.”

Other people cannot make a person put themself down nor mistreat them.

Identifying the negative beliefs internalized from a partner’s false, abusive accusations is an important focus of recovery. Keeping in mind that these negative beliefs may feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are true. The survivor can address the shame and humiliation and see who is responsible for the abuse. There are losses to recognize and grief to process. Reclaiming one’s strengths is fulfilling and helps a person get back to oneself, perhaps a stronger self as a result of recovery.

 

This article first appeared on Psychology Today.