controlling partner

False Hope: A Trap in Controlling Relationships

Repeated bad-to-nice behavior by a partner can create false hope.

Key points:

False hope gradually develops in abusive relationships, often unbeknownst to the significant other.
After an abusive episode, the return of positive attention is a persuasive manipulative pattern.
Unpacking the false hope is recognizing mistaken beliefs created by coercion and denial of the abuse.
Recent research indicates that when unrealistic expectations of an abuser changing are addressed, PTSD lowers.

Source: Image by Hello Cdd20 from Pixabay

False hope is the biggest obstacle to overcome for a survivor of domestic abuse. Rooted in a distorted reality, false hope is created by the perpetrator to influence the survivor. Ultimately, false hope can prolong an abusive relationship for years and even decades. When the survivor can unpack their abusive experience and see their mistaken beliefs, recovery is underway.

The Controlling Relationship

The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an “unknown” perpetrator. This favorable, even exciting, stretch, can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.

As the relationship goes on, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc. When the perpetrator recognizes that they have gone too far, they change their behavior. Now, in this more relatable stance, the person or a version of the person they fell in love with often shows up. One might hear apologies, be asked to be forgiving, to accept the promise that “it won’t happen again,” and so on. This shift to appearing more caring, thoughtful, and attentive instills hope for a better future going forward.

When one woman shared in my recovery group that her physically abusive husband “can be the sweetest person,” I responded: “Here lies your biggest obstacle to overcome.”

The intermittent hope for change that’s experienced when a perpetrator’s behavior goes from hurtful to nice instills a powerful hope, albeit a false one, that the relationship going forward will work out. This pattern, also known as the cycle of abuse, recurs again and again. The overall impact is that it can allow a controlling partner to keep you initially engaged and then eventually hold you captive, in some cases for a very long time, unless seriously addressed.

It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time (RESPOND Inc., 2024).

Co-Parenting After Divorce When Your Ex Was Abusive

Co-parenting is not possible with an abusive partner who doesn’t seek treatment.

Co Parenting with an Abusive Ex — Source: Brocotton/Pexels

In the realm of intimate partner abuse, getting away from one’s abuser usually doesn’t mean being free of abuse when it involves co-parenting children. All too often, the dominant partner in the relationship feels highly threatened by the other partner separating to divorce. In the aftermath, the abusive partner is often angry, even hostile, and abuse can show up in the context of co-parenting. Although less than ideal, parallel parenting with an abusive ex-partner becomes the better solution.

Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

In divorce, studies have shown that children benefit from spending at least 35% of their time with each parent despite the difficulty parents have with one another.

The impact of divorce on children’s well-being during and after their parents’ separation or divorce is potentially within parents’ control—the parents’ own well-being and capability to function will have the biggest effect. (Pedro-Carroll, PhD, 2020)

Co-parenting works well when parents who separate and then divorce can actively share parenting, have good communication with one another and work together toward what is in the best interest of their children.

When the abusive partner continues their hostility toward the other parent, the ongoing turmoil erodes quality parenting and contributes to children’s emotional and behavioral problems. (Pedro-Carroll, 2020). In these circumstances, co-parenting is not possible.

Conditions for Parallel Parenting

When one parent has been abusive and controlling during a marriage, it’s very likely that the same harmful behaviors will continue. The following are examples of behaviors that don’t make co-parenting possible and a parallel parenting plan is needed (Post Separation Power and Control Wheel, DV Intervention Programs, 2013):

Curious People Are Likely to Have Better Relationships

Studies show that curious people are less aggressive.

Person being curious — Source: ethan sees/Pexels

Although research on the social consequences of curiosity is slim, the existing studies do help us to understand an important finding—that curious people are less aggressive. What could help us to prevent ending up in a coercive relationship just might be the capacity for curiosity in the other person and also in ourselves. Whether looking for an intimate partner or trying to improve an existing relationship, curiosity just might hold the key to success.

Curiosity in Interpersonal Relationships

Curiosity shows an inclination to seek out new information because of an intrinsic interest in learning new knowledge. In the interpersonal realm, curiosity is listening because of an interest in learning about the other person. To fully listen is not thinking about what we want to say next but showing interest in the other person reflected by the questions we ask. Open-ended questions in particular invite more information about beliefs, perceptions, and feelings that can forge greater intimacy. In this give-and-take context, a more balanced relationship develops in which we can feel seen for who we are, feel freer to share more, and have an experience of mutual respect and better tools to resolve conflict.

In four cross-sectional studies, Kashdan and colleagues tested the hypothesis that “individual differences in curiosity are linked to less aggression, even when people are provoked.” In their results, they showed the following:

Daily curiosity predicted less aggression with no evidence for the reverse direction.
Lower curiosity and higher aggression were strongest in intimate relationships and in beginning romantic relationships.
Highly curious people showed greater sensitivity in the relational context.

They concluded, “Curiosity is a neglected mechanism of resilience in understanding aggression” (Kashdan et al. 2013).

How do women like you find out if they need help with a controlling partner?

Questions to ask your self:

Do you feel controlled by your partner?

Take a moment to tune into your feelings. Do you feel free to say and do what you want? Or, are you scared of his reaction, so you give up saying and doing what you want? Think about how his reactions intimidate and frighten you, and limit your life in so many ways.

Do you feel afraid?

Controlling partners use intimidation to control you and get what they want. They can use scary behavior like throwing things, destroying your possessions, or hurting a pet. They can just give you the “look” that tells you, you better comply or else.

Do you feel isolated and lonely?

Controlling partners can make it very difficult for you to keep up with family and friends. Do you give up going out socially, visiting with family, or attending family events? The controlling partner makes it so unbearable for you by using severe putdowns and/or devaluing your family and friends. In the end, you give up and give in to avoid the emotional pain, and find yourself alone and isolated.

Do you feel guilty about your partner’s bad behavior?

A controlling partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his abusive behavior. He does, however, hold you responsible by blaming you for making him angry, and even abusive. In other words, the controlling partner believes you caused it. In time, you can internalize this blame into self-blame, believing you caused it. Bottom line, you are not responsible for his choice to be abusive.

Do you feel worse about yourself now than before the relationship started?

Poor self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. result from living with a controlling partner who blames, ridicules and criticizes you. These constant negative assaults contribute to your confusion and self-doubt. Once this occurs, you’re at risk of believing his false accusations that seriously impact your mental health. The worse you feel, the more controllable you are.

By now you know or suspect that your partner is controlling your life and causing you to feel badly about yourself. Now is a good time to take a step to help your self. Get more educated. Visit “Controlling Partner” on my website for more information. Also, the “Resources” may direct you to help in your area.

False Hope: A Trap in Controlling Relationships

Repeated bad-to-nice behavior by a partner can create false hope.

The Controlling Relationship

Co-Parenting After Divorce When Your Ex Was Abusive