Carol A. Lambert, MSW, LICSW

Trump and Coercive Persuasion

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.

In my clinical practice, the day after the election, I met with a 36-year-old mother who cried and said, “I’m trying to get out of an abusive situation and society tolerates this?” She is one of many women with controlling partners I’ve heard from who feel deeply bothered by Donald Trump’s talking, behaving, and posturing where women are concerned. For over two decades, I’ve helped many women see the harmful coercive tactics embedded in their partner’s behaviors that cause them confusion, fear, and self-doubt. Throughout this intense campaign period, I saw many of the same hurtful tactics on display in Trump’s behavior. What became evident is that the very same coercive tactics used to gain power over an intimate partner, might be just as effective, given the right circumstances, to win over a mass of people.

Just because Trump won, that doesn’t validate the actions of controlling or abusive partners. Rather, it is an opportunity to learn about coercion from his public behavior that makes up psychological manipulation, and why we need to see such behavior as unacceptable or even outlaw it, as has been done in the United Kingdom.

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Domestic Abuse: Where are all the therapists?

This article originally appeared on New Harbinger Publications.

Those who experience psychological abuse from an intimate partner often suffer from mental health problems as a result. In order to get treatment, they consult therapists and other mental health professionals. But the majority of mental health professionals don’t have enough knowledge of psychological domestic abuse to provide treatment that these individuals would find truly helpful—perhaps because psychological abuse is much more difficult to detect than physical abuse.

A 2013 study of mental health professionals was conducted on the premise that a large percentage of “psychiatric service users experience domestic violence, yet most cases remain undetected by clinicians.” The aim of the study was to “assess mental health professionals’ knowledge, attitudes and preparedness to respond to domestic violence.” The results showed:

  • Only 15% of mental health professionals asked clients about domestic violence.
  • Upon disclosure (either self-initiated or from being asked by the therapist) only 27% of therapists provided helpful information.
  • Most professionals (60%) felt they lacked sufficient knowledge of helpful support services for their clients.

The study concludes that mental health professionals need more training to address domestic abuse—both physical and psychological—with their clients.

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Domestic violence and the effects…

Domestic violence and the effects…

Women and Domestic Violence

  • 85% of domestic violence victims are women
  • 1 in 4 women experiences a physical or sexual assault by an intimate partner
  • Females who are 20–24 years of age are at the greatest risk of domestic violence.

Women who are abused—physically and/or psychologically endure a whole spectrum of traumatic effects.  Physical abuse causes serious physical injuries, serious psychological injuries, and ultimately, can result in death.  During the last decade, important research tells us that psychological abuse causes serious wounding to both mental and physical health. In other words, you cannot be with someone who abuses you verbally, emotionally and mentally without experiencing serious losses in your mental and physical health.  What does this look like?

Physical ailments could include: headaches, lower-back pain, stomach aches, and nausea.  Psychological abuse can cause adverse health problems (Coker et al) such as arthritis, stomach ulcers, chronic pain, migraines, spastic colon, chronic pelvic pain, sexually transmitted infections, etc.

The traumatic effects in mental health can include confusion, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, substance abuse, impaired functioning re:  parenting, socializing, and work performance, loss of trust in ones own judgment, etc.  Many women report a loss of self.

Families and Domestic Violence:

  • 30% to 60% of children who live in households with domestic violence often become victims of abuse or neglect
  • Children exposed to domestic violence at home display greater symptoms of trauma, including frequent sickness, complaints of headaches, stomachaches, tiredness and lethargy
  • Children witnessing acts of domestic violence between parents and caretakers are at risk for perpetuating the cycle of domestic violence in their own homes
  • Boys exposed to domestic violence are two times as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults
  • Girls who experience domestic violence in the home are far more likely to become victims.

Domestic violence is considered one of the most chronically underreported crimes as statistics do not reveal the full disheartening reality–many instances of domestic violence go unreported.

Domestic violence severely hurts individuals, families, children, communities, and perpetuates the cycle of violence continuing into future generations.  If you or a loved one are currently experiencing domestic violence and are unsafe or at risk of being hurt, please see our “Resources” page OR for immediate help, call 911.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is when one intimate partner uses abusive behaviors to gain power and control over another. A pattern of coercive control can involve behaviors that include physical and sexual assault; intimidation; and many types of non-physical abuses. The abusive behaviors cause fear, and physical and emotional harm. They can force you to do something you do not want to do, and prevent you from doing something you want to do. You experience a pattern of unfair, and uncalled-for control over your life.

Physical acts of abuse and threats of physical abuse are legally defined as criminal behavior and labeled “domestic violence.” The physical or battering behaviors can include: kicking, pushing, restraining, hitting, choking, pinching, throwing objects at you and around you, and forcing you into sex against your will (rape), etc. So, when physical violence and threats are not present, the conclusion, although false, is that no abuse is taking place. Clearly, physical violence gets our attention. However, you need to know that this is not nearly the whole story.

“Psychological abuse may affect a woman’s overall psychological well-being to the same extent as physical abuse or battering (Katz & Arias, 2000).

Psychological abuse endangers you the most, yet it is the aspect of domestic violence that remains the most elusive. The non-physical abuses include verbal, emotional and mental abuse, that fall under the heading of psychological abuse. These tactics can include, for example, intimidating, frightening gestures, purposefully harassing you, crude language to insult you, twisting your words to mean something other than your intent, blaming you for things that aren’t your fault, isolating you by blocking contact with family and friends, etc. Ultimately, it will affect your sense of self, your view of the relationship with your spouse or boyfriend, and your connection with the world surrounding you. So it is easy to understand how psychological abuse, just because it’s hard to see, is made powerful and effective. Yet, as one woman in my group pointed out, “Psychological abuse is not illegal.” So, in the end, women have to protect themselves.

If you have other questions regarding domestic violence or would like to learn more about what is domestic violence, visit my website for more information. For help, see Resources. For immediate help, call 911.

How do women like you find out if they need help with a controlling partner?

Questions to ask your self:

Do you feel controlled by your partner?

Take a moment to tune into your feelings. Do you feel free to say and do what you want? Or, are you scared of his reaction, so you give up saying and doing what you want? Think about how his reactions intimidate and frighten you, and limit your life in so many ways.

Do you feel afraid?

Controlling partners use intimidation to control you and get what they want. They can use scary behavior like throwing things, destroying your possessions, or hurting a pet. They can just give you the “look” that tells you, you better comply or else.

Do you feel isolated and lonely?

Controlling partners can make it very difficult for you to keep up with family and friends. Do you give up going out socially, visiting with family, or attending family events? The controlling partner makes it so unbearable for you by using severe putdowns and/or devaluing your family and friends. In the end, you give up and give in to avoid the emotional pain, and find yourself alone and isolated.

Do you feel guilty about your partner’s bad behavior?

A controlling partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his abusive behavior. He does, however, hold you responsible by blaming you for making him angry, and even abusive. In other words, the controlling partner believes you caused it. In time, you can internalize this blame into self-blame, believing you caused it. Bottom line, you are not responsible for his choice to be abusive.

Do you feel worse about yourself now than before the relationship started?

Poor self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. result from living with a controlling partner who blames, ridicules and criticizes you. These constant negative assaults contribute to your confusion and self-doubt. Once this occurs, you’re at risk of believing his false accusations that seriously impact your mental health. The worse you feel, the more controllable you are.

By now you know or suspect that your partner is controlling your life and causing you to feel badly about yourself. Now is a good time to take a step to help your self. Get more educated. Visit “Controlling Partner” on my website for more information. Also, the “Resources” may direct you to help in your area.

Abused or Not Abused: That Is the Question!

Maggie, a 33 year-old teacher, shares:

“My closest friend attended this group quite awhile ago and found it very helpful. She was so excited about what she was learning. I watched her grow and change.  It was great.  Recently, she told me she was worried about my relationship.  Initially, I was very surprised.  I know Paul can be very outspoken, a bit self-righteous and hard to argue with at times.  But I never thought of him as controlling.  I guess I didn’t see what my friend saw when we would socialize together.  It’s hard for me to see it even now.  It’s confusing. I’m not sure what I think or feel, exactly.  But what I did notice is that I was nervous about telling Paul that I want to attend this group.  I made up an elaborate story about how Carol could leave this cryptic voice message about requesting a time and day for tutoring, which would in fact be when the group is starting.  It then dawned on me that maybe I am intimidated by my husband.  I am here to get clear…to figure out what is happening exactly in my relationship.”

You too (or someone you know) may need to “get clear” about what’s actually taking place in your relationship with your boyfriend or spouse.  Like Maggie, you may be wondering if your partner controls you.  You may have questions:  Does he intimidate me?   Do I feel confused about my relationship? I’ve offered recovery groups for women with controlling partners since 1993, and, in my experience, many women can’t see control in their relationships.

Like Maggie, you may have someone in your life—a well-meaning friend or family member—who has observed something about your boyfriend or spouse and shared it. Perhaps, you’ve been told, “He can be a bully.” or “He’s a bit controlling.” or  “He doesn’t always treat you well.”  Rarely, however, does anyone say, “He’s abusive.” You may have been thinking about how your partner treats you for a long time but haven’t known what to do about it or felt like you could do anything at all.

Or the messages you get from others may be strikingly different than your experience in your relationship. Perhaps someone has said, “What a nice guy!” about your partner but you know his pleasant, public demeanor disappears when you are alone with him. One frustrated woman said, “When it was finally labeled abuse, it was only then I took it seriously.”

Coercion or controlling behavior is hard to identify. The behavior is intended to confuse you, keep you “off balance” and unaware. Because most people don’t really “see” the controlling behavior, they don’t recognize it as abuse. But it is abuse. Like the women in my groups, you could be already experiencing the devastating effects of a controlling partner and don’t fully realize what’s happening to you.  Right now, how you feel is the most important indicator you have of how your partner acts toward you, and letting your feelings guide you is the best way to begin to “’get clear” about your relationship. You may not yet be able to see what controlling behaviors are or how they harm you, but you can identify if you feel controlled by your partner. Paying attention to your feelings, no matter how vague they are, provides a chance for you to explore, just as other women do, if your partner controls you.

Take a look at the information on my website.  It will help you to understand controlling behavior and psychological abuse.

 

 

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