Carol A. Lambert, MSW, LICSW

Not Feeling Is Not Good

Defenses and inhibitory emotions prevent us from dropping into our core emotions

Key points:

  • Using the change triangle helps us recognize defenses and inhibitory emotions.
  • Defenses and inhibitory emotions such as anxiety, guilt, and shame keep us from feeling core feelings
  • When we can experience core feelings, we can be more present and live in an authentic state.
Source: mage by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

 

Recognizing feelings and knowing what gets in the way of feeling are central to most models of psychotherapy. When we can become aware of our defenses against feeling, we see that we are protecting ourselves from what might be unbearable or uncomfortable emotions, which often arise from earlier harmful experiences. Accessing the feelings in a gradual and supportive way brings awareness and an increasing tolerance of emotions that allows for living more fully.

The Change Triangle

The change triangle is a wonderful tool that Hilary Jacobs Hendel offers in her book It’s Not Always Depression; it gives us a “map of the mind, a logical and science-based path to follow for relief and recovery.” (Hendel, 2018, p 15).

This visual tool includes defenses, inhibitory emotions, and core emotions. When we can drop down and be with core emotions, then we are living in “an open-hearted state of an authentic self.” Hendel explains that when we are in our authentic self, we can be “calm, connected, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.”

The triangle has “defenses–anything we do to avoid feeling” in the top left-hand corner. Directly across the top of the triangle in the right-hand corner is “inhibitory emotions–anxiety, shame, and guilt.” Both defenses and inhibitory emotions get in the way of dropping down to our core emotions—represented at the base of the triangle–fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.

Defenses–anything we do to avoid feeling

Defenses are clever ways our mind keeps us from feeling pain or being overwhelmed. While it’s important to appreciate our defenses, they get in the way of being fully present. Some examples of defenses: arrogance, addictions, overeating, excessively working, not talking, not listening, criticizing, coercing. A great deal of energy becomes invested in avoiding discomfort.

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Gaslighting: Relationships and Culture

When you are told you’re wrong, stop and think; you just might be right.

Key points:

  • A recent study of gaslighting highlights intimate partner abuse and social structures.
  • Gaslighting often remains invisible to the targeted person.
  • We can protect ourselves by knowing the coercive tactics, trusting our gut reactions, and learning more.
Honesty
Source: Muhammad Haseeb Muhammad Suleman / Pixabay

Gaslighting is a powerful type of psychological coercion used to alter the perception and beliefs held by another for one’s own advantage. In recent years, the word gaslighting has entered public discussion, scholarly research, and legal realms.

In 2022, Merriam-Webster selected “gaslighting” as the Word of the Year. In the realm of intimate partner abuse, gaslighting continues to be recognized as a harmful coercive tactic. Many U.S. states have either enacted or are considering coercive control legislation. Current research explores gaslighting in larger group systems including culture, religion, politics, etc.

Gaslighting Defined

In intimate partner abuse, a partner who uses gaslighting is denying and distorting a shared reality for personal benefit. The purpose is to dominate the relationship with their needs, feelings, and perceptions and to eliminate resistance. They convince their partner over time that the partner’s beliefs, thoughts, and memories are wrong—that they don’t make sense. Blaming and making untrue accusations such as calling their intimate partner “crazy,” or “abusive” are profoundly hurtful.

Gaslighting can be in the service of obtaining control or it can be for the purpose of harming the other to increase their vulnerability, making them susceptible to their partner’s control.

The power of gaslighting is that it instills confusion and creates self-doubt. Most survivors say that they no longer trust their perception or judgment. The confidence they once felt is gone, replaced by self-blame and shame. Over time, survivors can internalize false accusations into personal negative beliefs contributing to anxiety, depression, and trauma.

Gaslighting Is Brainwashing

Gaslighting is a type of brainwashing. The word “brainwashing” was recognized in the aftermath of the Korean War in popular culture. During the Korean War (1950-53), Albert Biderman, a social psychologist who studied coercive interrogation, illustrated how U.S. prisoners of war became compliant by Chinese and Korean methods of torture used to psychologically break prisoners. Biderman’s chart of coercion identifies coercive tactics causing psychological injury including “monopolization of perception”—hence, gaslighting. For decades, Biderman’s chart of coercion has been a central guide in domestic violence groups. [Read more…] about Gaslighting: Relationships and Culture

Reproductive Coercion Rising for Domestic Violence Survivors

Lack of access to reproductive or abortion healthcare impacts abused women.

Key points:

  • With reproductive coercion, an intimate partner prevents a woman from making decisions about her body.
  • Intimate partner violence is a factor in 64 percent of all homicides of pregnant and postpartum women.
  • Healthcare professionals treating pregnant women must assess for risk of coercion and violence and offer help.
Source: Zach Dulli/Pixabay

According to new data from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH), reports of abuse involving reproductive coercion nearly doubled in the year after Roe v. Wade was overturned. Clearly, restricting women’s access to reproductive care and abortion has a tremendous impact on everyone, but abuse survivors especially.

Reproductive Coercion

Reproductive coercion is defined as behaviors or actions by an intimate partner that prevent a woman from making critical decisions about her body or reproductive health. In an intimate partnership with one exerting abusive power over the other, reproductive coercion becomes another form of abuse that increases danger, instills fear, and furthers entrapment.

From my assessment of controlling behaviors used by partners with women in my recovery groups, sexual abuse can take various forms:

• Using threats or coercion to have sex with you or have sex you don’t like.
• Waking up to find your partner having or attempting sex with you.
• Rape–forcing sex acts against your will. (This is less frequently identified; at times, I believe rape occurred, but this was just too painful to admit.)

 

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Male Victims of Intimate Partner Violence

Male victims are hurt, scared, and afraid of not being believed.

Key points:

  • Male victimization is a public health issue.
  • Male victims of intimate partner violence share many symptoms that female victims do, including PTSD.
  • Help and healing for male victims starts with knowing they will be believed.
Male Domestic Partner Violence
Source: Ximena Nahmias/Unsplash

October is Domestic Violence Month—and a good time to be reminded that women are not the only victims. Men are victims too.

As a society, with gender stereotypes and a long history of male violence against women, the dominant perspective often is that intimate partner violence involves a female victim and a male perpetrator. This belief, or bias, contributes to the denial or minimizing that a man can be abused and victimized by his intimate partner.

I’d like to make the case that men can be hurt and scared, and are too often unable to reach out for help. When they do, they risk not being believed. For help and healing to be options for male victims, they have to be believed.

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Use a Coercive-Abuse Checklist to See Reality

Validation can occur when we “see” the coercive behaviors we’ve experienced.

KEY POINTS

  • Coercive abuse in intimate relationships can be missed by the targeted person or those who could help.
  • A “coercive abuse checklist” enables someone to see the harmful behaviors they endure.
  • Recognizing abuse is the critical first step to seek help and begin to heal.
Coercive Abuse Checklist
Source: Tom from Pixabay | Analogicus

In an intimate relationship, the harmful effects of coercive abuse can often be missed by those enduring—it as well as their therapists. Unlike physical violence which is criminalized with laws and protective measures, non-physical abuse is easily overlooked unless you specifically search for it. Completing a “coercive abuse checklist” can enable someone to see the harmful coercion embedded in behaviors used by their partner. Recognizing that abuse is taking place is the first critical step towards healing and selecting the right help.

 

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Raising Boys to Experience Empathy

Study shows supportive parents are likely to develop empathy in their offspring.

Empathy in young boys
Source: Arek Socha / Pixabay

KEY POINTS

  • Studies show men are more narcissistic than women. These qualities undermine healthy relationships.
  • Suppressed and unrecognized feelings for boys and men can lead to depression, anger, and aggression.
  • Parents have an important role in raising boys who can access their emotions and experience empathy.

In the world of intimate partner abuse, most perpetrators are men and most survivors are women. This has been the case since we have developed as a patriarchal society. In studies of narcissism and gender, men were shown to be more narcissistic than women. The influence of some narcissistic qualities contributes to intimate partner abuse. It’s time we pay attention to raising our children, and boys in particular, to develop empathy that forges a greater likelihood of enjoying healthier relationships.

Narcissism and Gender

In a 2015 study that took an in-depth look at narcissism and gender, the research found that men are more narcissistic than women. Narcissism has its good and bad elements. It has been recognized as improving self-esteem, providing emotional stability, and influencing leadership qualities. On the downside, narcissism is known to cause interpersonal dysfunctions that interfere with sustaining lasting healthy relationships, unethical behavior, and aggression (Grijalva and colleagues). These negative aspects of narcissism are very relevant to the existence of intimate partner abuse.

Unfortunately, boys and men are at risk of being saddled with the expectation to suppress vulnerable feelings from an early age. They cannot appear weak. Pushing down feelings to be acceptable is a tremendous pressure to live by. Eventually, anger can show up as a defense against vulnerable feelings that could be percolating underneath but don’t get recognized or expressed. The underlying feelings could be frustration, fear, hurt, sadness, or vulnerability. Anger can be a cover for male depression as well. Men expressing feelings of anger are often seen as socially acceptable except when it’s too big, too hurtful, too damaging, or lethal. Yet, it can be from a place of unrecognized pain that the anger emerges.

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