Carol A. Lambert, MSW, LICSW

Outlawing Psychological Abuse: What the UK and France Can Teach Us!

This article originally appeared on Huffington Post.

Too often, from the women attending my Recovery Groups for Women with Controlling Partners I hear: “I don’t think I should be here, I’ve never been hit.” Or, “My husband isn’t as bad as these other men.” Or, “He’s friendly to others, he just isn’t nice to me.” Or, “I really don’t think I’m abused he’s just hard to get along with.” All these women, in time, came to see the coercive tactics embedded in their partner’s behavior. But it wasn’t until they saw the impact of their partner’s behavior on their mental and physical health that they took their psychological abuse seriously. Only then, women felt that their abuse was validated. Why is that?

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You’re Not Crazy—He’s (or She’s) Controlling! The Heinous Impact of Psychological Abuse

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.

During Domestic Violence Month the focus tends to be on one specific kind of abuse—physical violence. Yet, research indicates that the aspect of domestic violence that incites greater fear—and can be a precursor to violence—is psychological abuse. Psychological abuse, like physical violence, is used to gain power and control over an intimate partner. Unlike physical abuse, it is hard to see because it happens with words and demeanor, without physical contact—yet it is undeniable due to the psychological harm it causes.

The Impact

According to a study by the Center for Disease Control, nearly half of all women in the U.S. (48.4 percent) have experienced at least one form of psychological aggression by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Women identified verbal aggression such as their partner’s angry gestures that seemed dangerous, being degraded, insulted, or humiliated; or their partner’s use of coercive control.

During over two decades of facilitating recovery groups for women with controlling partners, I have listened to more than a thousand women speak about being psychologically overpowered by an intimate partner. Please note that, while I will continue to write about women as they are the vast majority of abuse victims, the information here pertains to emotionally abused men as well.

While each woman experiences a unique ordeal, together they tell the same saga: a slow, insidious, and nearly invisible condition of coercion entraps a woman within her most intimate relationship. So well hidden, this entrapment can go undetected even by the woman herself. The deceptive twist is that the person from whom she might also receive care and kindness creates conditions that slowly diminish her spirit and sense of who she is.

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Trump and Coercive Persuasion

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.

In my clinical practice, the day after the election, I met with a 36-year-old mother who cried and said, “I’m trying to get out of an abusive situation and society tolerates this?” She is one of many women with controlling partners I’ve heard from who feel deeply bothered by Donald Trump’s talking, behaving, and posturing where women are concerned. For over two decades, I’ve helped many women see the harmful coercive tactics embedded in their partner’s behaviors that cause them confusion, fear, and self-doubt. Throughout this intense campaign period, I saw many of the same hurtful tactics on display in Trump’s behavior. What became evident is that the very same coercive tactics used to gain power over an intimate partner, might be just as effective, given the right circumstances, to win over a mass of people.

Just because Trump won, that doesn’t validate the actions of controlling or abusive partners. Rather, it is an opportunity to learn about coercion from his public behavior that makes up psychological manipulation, and why we need to see such behavior as unacceptable or even outlaw it, as has been done in the United Kingdom.

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Domestic Abuse: Where are all the therapists?

This article originally appeared on New Harbinger Publications.

Those who experience psychological abuse from an intimate partner often suffer from mental health problems as a result. In order to get treatment, they consult therapists and other mental health professionals. But the majority of mental health professionals don’t have enough knowledge of psychological domestic abuse to provide treatment that these individuals would find truly helpful—perhaps because psychological abuse is much more difficult to detect than physical abuse.

A 2013 study of mental health professionals was conducted on the premise that a large percentage of “psychiatric service users experience domestic violence, yet most cases remain undetected by clinicians.” The aim of the study was to “assess mental health professionals’ knowledge, attitudes and preparedness to respond to domestic violence.” The results showed:

  • Only 15% of mental health professionals asked clients about domestic violence.
  • Upon disclosure (either self-initiated or from being asked by the therapist) only 27% of therapists provided helpful information.
  • Most professionals (60%) felt they lacked sufficient knowledge of helpful support services for their clients.

The study concludes that mental health professionals need more training to address domestic abuse—both physical and psychological—with their clients.

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Domestic violence and the effects…

Domestic violence and the effects…

Women and Domestic Violence

  • 85% of domestic violence victims are women
  • 1 in 4 women experiences a physical or sexual assault by an intimate partner
  • Females who are 20–24 years of age are at the greatest risk of domestic violence.

Women who are abused—physically and/or psychologically endure a whole spectrum of traumatic effects.  Physical abuse causes serious physical injuries, serious psychological injuries, and ultimately, can result in death.  During the last decade, important research tells us that psychological abuse causes serious wounding to both mental and physical health. In other words, you cannot be with someone who abuses you verbally, emotionally and mentally without experiencing serious losses in your mental and physical health.  What does this look like?

Physical ailments could include: headaches, lower-back pain, stomach aches, and nausea.  Psychological abuse can cause adverse health problems (Coker et al) such as arthritis, stomach ulcers, chronic pain, migraines, spastic colon, chronic pelvic pain, sexually transmitted infections, etc.

The traumatic effects in mental health can include confusion, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, substance abuse, impaired functioning re:  parenting, socializing, and work performance, loss of trust in ones own judgment, etc.  Many women report a loss of self.

Families and Domestic Violence:

  • 30% to 60% of children who live in households with domestic violence often become victims of abuse or neglect
  • Children exposed to domestic violence at home display greater symptoms of trauma, including frequent sickness, complaints of headaches, stomachaches, tiredness and lethargy
  • Children witnessing acts of domestic violence between parents and caretakers are at risk for perpetuating the cycle of domestic violence in their own homes
  • Boys exposed to domestic violence are two times as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults
  • Girls who experience domestic violence in the home are far more likely to become victims.

Domestic violence is considered one of the most chronically underreported crimes as statistics do not reveal the full disheartening reality–many instances of domestic violence go unreported.

Domestic violence severely hurts individuals, families, children, communities, and perpetuates the cycle of violence continuing into future generations.  If you or a loved one are currently experiencing domestic violence and are unsafe or at risk of being hurt, please see our “Resources” page OR for immediate help, call 911.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is when one intimate partner uses abusive behaviors to gain power and control over another. A pattern of coercive control can involve behaviors that include physical and sexual assault; intimidation; and many types of non-physical abuses. The abusive behaviors cause fear, and physical and emotional harm. They can force you to do something you do not want to do, and prevent you from doing something you want to do. You experience a pattern of unfair, and uncalled-for control over your life.

Physical acts of abuse and threats of physical abuse are legally defined as criminal behavior and labeled “domestic violence.” The physical or battering behaviors can include: kicking, pushing, restraining, hitting, choking, pinching, throwing objects at you and around you, and forcing you into sex against your will (rape), etc. So, when physical violence and threats are not present, the conclusion, although false, is that no abuse is taking place. Clearly, physical violence gets our attention. However, you need to know that this is not nearly the whole story.

“Psychological abuse may affect a woman’s overall psychological well-being to the same extent as physical abuse or battering (Katz & Arias, 2000).

Psychological abuse endangers you the most, yet it is the aspect of domestic violence that remains the most elusive. The non-physical abuses include verbal, emotional and mental abuse, that fall under the heading of psychological abuse. These tactics can include, for example, intimidating, frightening gestures, purposefully harassing you, crude language to insult you, twisting your words to mean something other than your intent, blaming you for things that aren’t your fault, isolating you by blocking contact with family and friends, etc. Ultimately, it will affect your sense of self, your view of the relationship with your spouse or boyfriend, and your connection with the world surrounding you. So it is easy to understand how psychological abuse, just because it’s hard to see, is made powerful and effective. Yet, as one woman in my group pointed out, “Psychological abuse is not illegal.” So, in the end, women have to protect themselves.

If you have other questions regarding domestic violence or would like to learn more about what is domestic violence, visit my website for more information. For help, see Resources. For immediate help, call 911.

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Congtributor to New Harbinger Publications
Contributor to The Huffington Post
Contributor to Psychology Today