Psychology Today

The “Moral Injury” of Intimate Partner Abuse

Healing requires attention to moral damage and moral injury.

Moral injury can occur when our ability to maintain a good moral character has been compromised by the circumstances of an oppressive or dangerous condition, such as intimate partner abuse (IPA). In some cases, a survivor of IPA experiences a loss of agency over their life that can lead to behaviors, albeit self-protective, that conflict with their moral beliefs. It’s this moral harm that can contribute to the survivor feeling a deep psychological anguish of shame and guilt that makes up a moral injury. In trauma recovery from IPA, tender attention to the moral injury is critical to helping survivors fully heal.

Intimate Partner Abuse

One partner in an intimate relationship who uses psychological coercion to gain power and control over the other defines intimate partner abuse. Whether or not physical violence is present, psychological coercion can be accomplished with threats, intimidation, verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, imposed isolation from family and friends, restricting access to finances, and monitoring behaviors outside the home.

Marital Rape Is Criminalized But Not Upheld

Legal loopholes protect the rapist in these cases.

Crime Scene Do Not Cross — Photo by kat wilcox from Pexels

Marital rape is more prevalent than we know even though it has been criminalized by every state since 1993, owing to the on-going efforts of women’s rights groups. However, in many states, there are legal loopholes pertaining to sexual assault laws that leave married women unprotected from forcible rape by their spouse.

One such loophole is a woman raped by her spouse while incapacitated or drugged. In this case, the spouse committing the rape will have legal exemption in 17 states. Stronger laws and closing legal loopholes in all states are vital to protecting women and their basic human rights.

Narcissistic Partners May Be More Dangerous Than You Think

New study reveals link between narcissism and aggression.

Love Shouldn't Hurt — Source: Anete Lusina/Pexels

In the realm of intimate partner abuse, the connection between narcissism and aggression is at play. The narcissist regards himself or herself as superior, sees others only as inferior, and needs to orchestrate a relational experience in which their partner is made to feel inferior. The means to doing so often involve verbal or physical aggression. According to a recent research study from Ohio State University, narcissism is linked with aggression. Knowing that a narcissist may become verbally or physically aggressive, the message is clear—to avoid hurt and injury in an intimate relationship, one should avoid narcissists.

In a recent comprehensive analysis of 437 studies from around the world, narcissism showed up as an important risk factor for both aggression and violence. In fact, the link between narcissism and aggression was identified in all dimensions of narcissism and with various types of aggression. It is noteworthy that the results were similar regardless of the age, gender, or country of residence of the participants (Kjaervik, 2021).

Defining Narcissism

The term narcissism comes from a Greek myth in which the character Narcissus falls in love with his own image that’s reflected in the calm water. He comes to show disdain and contempt for those who fall in love with him.

Narcissism is identified by an excessive sense of self-importance, with the key factor being entitlement. Two components of narcissism include grandiosity with overblown self-esteem and “vulnerability” with low self-esteem but still holding beliefs of being more important than others. Both types were found linked to aggression. The types of aggression that narcissism was related to included physical, verbal, bullying (direct or indirect), and displaced aggression onto innocent targets (Kjaervik, 2021).

Bushman, co-author of the study, points out that the study revealed that higher levels of narcissism are related to more aggression even before reaching the level of narcissism that’s currently recognized as pathological—the malignant narcissist.

Read the rest on Psychology Today…

Coercive Control Becoming Criminalized

Psychological abuse is an infraction of basic human rights.

Freedom from Coercive Control — Source: Fotorech/Pixabay

Coercive control and the severe harm it causes to those targeted by an intimate partner gets much-needed attention by new laws making it illegal in a few U.S. states. It’s now recognized that the recipient of coercive control experiences serious limits that it places on their basic human rights, such as freedom of movement and independence. We also know that coercive control is far more detrimental than physical violence and carries a long-lasting impact on a person’s sense of wellbeing. Criminalizing coercive control helps raise awareness, provides validation, and offers protection.

I received an anonymous postcard from Alaska that showed a picture of a team of dogs with the headline: “If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.” The sender wrote:

Thank you very much for writing Women with Controlling Partners. I found it completely by accident…but it’s exactly what I needed to read. I’m a woman in my mid-thirties trying to leave a 10-year relationship that doesn’t quite fit the definition of abuse but is defined by very powerful, subtle control by my partner. The stories….helped me identify patterns of control and gaslighting…. I feel so much less crazy….much more on track and able to become my own ‘lead dog.’

For so many who experience coercive control and feel confused by their experience, the criminalizing of it helps us identify the behaviors, take them seriously, and recognize options for self-protection.

Defining Coercive Control

The National Domestic Hotline definition of domestic violence states that it’s a pattern of behavior used by one intimate partner to maintain power and control over the other partner in the relationship. Violence can be used to achieve control over another partner, but it’s not a necessary part–coercive control itself is sufficient to entrap someone.

Read the rest of the article on Psychology Today…

Self-Gaslighting: The Harm of Being Gaslighted

A recipient of gaslighting develops negative beliefs that impact self-esteem.

“Gaslighting” has become a recognized term in our culture for psychological coercion and manipulation by one toward another. When someone is subjected over and over to being coerced by words or actions that target their thoughts, feelings, and perception, it’s almost impossible for “self-gaslighting” not to take hold as well.

By internalizing the false accusations of the gaslighter, you begin the painful process of doubting yourself—a process that negatively impacts your perception of the world, self-esteem, and personal identity. To dismantle self-gaslighting, you need to start by recognizing the coercive tactics of the gaslighter.

Defining Gaslighting

Gaslighting abuse can take place in work settings, within families, and in personal relationships—particularly with intimate partners. The gaslighter is almost always highly narcissistic and lacking in empathy.

The purpose of gaslighting is to achieve power and control over a victim by causing him or her to develop self-doubt and in doing so, become more complacent. In working with individuals who experience gaslighting in the realm of intimate partner abuse, it’s the most prevalent of coercive tactics to overpower the other.

Monopolization of perception is a term used by psychologist Albert Biderman in his chart of coercion that identified ways that American prisoners of war were brainwashed into complacency (Biderman, 1957). But actually, monopolization of perception is similar, if not the same, and a more useful description of what actually is taking place in gaslighting.

The gaslighter always draws attention to themselves and their reality.

Read the rest of the series on Psychology Today…

A Parent’s Role

From encouraging schoolwork and sports to modeling values as a child grows (remember, they do as you do, not as you say!) parents exert enormous influence over their children’s lives. They are, however, not the only on-the-ground influencers—especially after children enter school and begin interacting with the world at large.

Most parents work to give children the best start possible, but it’s also important for parents to recognize that kids come into the world with their own temperaments, personalities, and goals. While parents may want to push their child down a certain path, a parents’ job is to provide an interface with the world that ultimately prepares a child for complete independence and the ability to pursue whatever path they choose.

In a rapidly changing world, parenting can be subject to fads and changing styles, and parenting in some privileged circles has become a competitive sport. But the needs of child development as delineated by science remain relatively stable: safety, structure, support, and love.

How to Be a Good Parent

To parent effectively, it’s not enough to simply avoid the obvious dangers like abuse, neglect, or overindulgence. Indeed, The National Academy of Sciences delineates four major responsibilities for parents: maintaining children’s health and safety, promoting their emotional well-being, instilling social skills, and preparing children intellectually.